my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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