Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
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I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.