I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?