I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced