That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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