May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
