theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
