Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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