She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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