Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Randomize
