I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
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