I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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