I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Also, beer. Big fan.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
