i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
