the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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