I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
