you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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