i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
