The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
