hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
