Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
