Where did you get a picture of my penis
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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