Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
