My Higher Power is John Stamos
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
