That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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