This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
