were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
