chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
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