The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
