U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
