sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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