thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
