Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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