Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
