There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
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