Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
