Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
