i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
