just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
