I want to walk on stilts...naked
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
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The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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