also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
