he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
