he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
