My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
