she woke up with a sticky ear
He felt like a one man threesome
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
