I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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