Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
