From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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