I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
There's a naked man in my car right now.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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