you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Randomize
