This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
