That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
