No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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