he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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