I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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