The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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