He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
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your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
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Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
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