Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Randomize
