I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
