I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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