Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Damn victory sex feels great
Randomize
